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- Email the Guys with your "5 Things" Suggestions!
- Looking for an older list? Check out the 5 Things Archive

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How to tell the TV show you are watching is not going to be a hit
09/10/08
5. The critics call it quote “A less sophisticated version of BJ and the Bear”.
4. It stars the remains of George Carlin.
3. The actors frequently break character and yell “Oh my god does this suck!”
2. Instead of a laugh track there's one 75 year old man with a wet hacking cough.
1. The name of the show contains the words “Hole” and “wall”

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Surprises in Sarah Palin’s acceptance speech
09/04/08
5. Halfway through, her husband showed up in a stained undershirt and asked where the hell is dinner is.
4. She suddenly changed her position on abortion but only for 17 year old kids who embarrass the hell out of their mothers.
3. Suggested ticket nickname: “Geezer and Juggs”
2. Blurted out: "How about NOW Bob Plimpkin? You wanna take me to the prom NOW?”
1. She announced the name of her daughter Bristol’s unborn child: Dixon and Willoughby Palin

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Things Governor Charlie Crist did on his 52nd Birthday
5. Wax John McCain’s Car
4. Win Edgar Winter Look-Alike Contest
3. Invite Bob Allen over for a game of “Find the pocket Veto”.
2. Accept Birthday Wishes from Lt. Governor What’s-His-Face
1. Make a Wish and Blow

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Signs you're on a bad cruise
7-09-08
5. At dinner time they hand you a fishing rod and say "Good luck!"
4. The shuffleboard puck looks a suspiciously like a urinal cake
3. The entertainment in the Fiesta Lounge is this guy…
2.They unexpectedly stop in Columbia for two tons of "sugar"
1. As you board the ship they hand you an oar.

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Possible Titles for Mini-Me's Sex Tape
5. "North Dallas Shorty"
4. "Undersize me!"
3. "The Munchkininian Candidate"
2. "Short men Can’t Hump"
1. "Snow White and the One Dwarf"

Bonus:
"Little Trouble in Big… Vachina"

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How to Tell The Tomato you are about to eat is Tainted
5. The guy in front of you at the salad bar just burst into flames
4. When you cut into it, your knife melts
3. Jack Bauer bursts into your kitchen holding a gun yelling, "DROP THE TOMATO NOW!"
2. The guy you bought it from at the Maitland farmer’s market was wearing a biohazard suit.
1. There’s a whole chapter about it in Jose Canseco’s book

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Nicknames for the swingers sex house
5. House of the rising buns
4. The Log Cabin
3. The supervisor of erections office
2. The International House of Pants Snakes
1. The Buttcave

Bonus:
- Whoopie wigwam
- Boobie Bungolow
- The Ho Hacienda
- The swellin' dwellin'

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Signs You've Hired a Bad Accountant
4-15-08
5. He thinks a number two pencil is something that comes out of your ass.
4. Refers to your return as a "W-D40."
3. His idea of filing an extension involves unzipping his pants
2. He keeps insisting there is no "number three"
1. His only other client? Wesley Snipes

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Listener-Submitted 5 Things: Rejected Gladiator Names
2-18-08
5. Snuggle
4. Allergic to Direct Sunlight
3. Mitt
2. Flaccid
1. Hello Kitty

Runners up:
-Lou Pearlman
-Shnookums
-Anemic
-Flatulence
-Cellulite
-Skidmark
-Cinnabon
-Jockitch
-Gimpy
-Anorexia
-Lepor

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Dixon & Willoughby's Valentine's Day Plans
Dixon's Valentine's Plans
5. Play dirty movie really loud so his neighbors think he' a "player"
4. Listen to Michael Bolton. Cry like a baby.
3. Give "wife" a dozen roses then re-inflate her after thorn accidentally pops her.
2. Strip, put on diaper, grab the bow and arrow, run outside and let the hijinks begin.
1. Eventually utter those three magic words: "Table for one."

Willoughby's Valentine's Plans
5. Take clothes off and start "Sweatin' to the oldies".
4. Call and see if ex-girlfriend received the heart-shaped box of angry hornets.
3. Wait by the phone just in case a supermodel accidentally dials the wrong number.
2. Drive to local prison. See if anyone's up for a conjugal visit.
1. Be his own Valentine four or five times.

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Things That Sound Dirty, But in the Court of Law, Are Not
1-18-08
5. Can you get him to drop his suit?
4. For $200 an hour, she'd better be good!
3. Anything with the word "penal" in it.
2. He slapped her with a subpoena.
1. Think you can get me off?

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Things That Sound Dirty, But in the Office, Aren't
1-11-08
5. Just stick it in my box
4. It's an entry-level position
3. I want it on my desk, NOW!!!!!
2. HMMMMM, I think it's out of fluid.
1. When do you think you'll be getting off today?

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New Year's Resolutions You Can Keep
1-03-08
5. Gain weight. At least thirty pounds.
4. Do not date Jessica Alba.
3. Less work. More TV.
2. Procrastinate more. Starting tomorrow.
1. Get in a whole NEW rut.